A stranger in a strange land

I think of the song by the Doors "People are strange, when you're a stranger...." It's not so much that the people are strange, but more that I'm the stranger in a foreign land. I have always thought of myself as a cartoon character. I talk too loud sometimes, laugh too much, offer too much advice and act animated. I love to sit and listen to the sounds of the neighborhood like mowers and windchimes, birds and frogs, and even the occasional children fighting, oh wait those are usually mine. I love to sit in the sunshine like a cat and soak up the warmth. I love to read good stories without a lot of romance, sex, or violence in them. I love to drink ice tea with lemon and sweetener. I love to go on car rides, even if it's just to run errands. I love to sit still and look at nothing and rock in my chair. I love to just be, I love life. At least I used to.
A friend of mine said, "we all miss that part of you, the fun loving...." my only reply was, "That was all taken from me. I was robbed of 'me' ." But it's kind of like a clean slate now. I have to now figure out how to live in the world with the possibility of depression/anxiety being my thorn. I'm not sure how to do that. People ask how I'm doing, my reply is, "I'm.....here" I can't put on a face anymore and say I'm great and life is great and being a mother is great. All I can say is, I'm...here. It's better than leaving and not returning. I'm....here. Another friend said he would pray for me to have the heart of the apostle Paul. Paul would say how he would much rather be in Heaven with Christ then on this earth, but he was needed still here and therefore would stay. That's kind of how I feel. I don't want to be on this earth anymore. I'm done. Life isn't as grand as the how to manual said it would be. It's too hard being human. I would love nothing better than for God to say that it's my time to go. I know my kids will be fine and my husband will endure. I sometimes think I would make such a better mother in Heaven then here. Probably a better wife too, no more raised eyebrows or sarcastic remarks about him not knowing how to make a grilled cheese sandwich. BUT as Paul said, I'm needed here. So I will continue to try to learn how to live in this strange land. How to stay off medication, how to handle my stress, how to be a more loving mom, how to be a better servant to those around me and how to live a life of repentance. (Heavy sigh)