Another mom

I ran into an old friend yesterday. She had her daughter with her and I commented that her daughter had turned 3 in December. She was surprised how I could remember that. I told the last time we saw each other was when her daughter had just been born and I was pregnant with Andrew. I remember her commenting on how hard and awful it was, just giving birth, having other children at home and recovering from a c-section. I was due to have my 3rd c-section. I remember being really happy and confident, but feeling a little sad for her. I wasn't sure why she was so negative. Back to yesterday, I told her how I had been hit with the PPD and she said she thinks she is still suffering. I was surprised and asked if she was serious. She commented that she still feels depressed.
My heart felt so sad for her. I wondered if she had the support that I had and assumed she isn't medicated. I continued to shop with Andrew filling my arms with birthday paraphernalia and trying to keep him from grabbing everything in sight. I checked out, with Andrew held with my legs since he continued to make his escape. I was smiling during my almost 3 year olds chaos. I smiled as we got into the car and continued to smile all the way home. I don't know about my friends experience with PPD, I wonder why am I ok, and she's not. I wonder if it has anything to do with her question as to what church I go to now. I wonder if it is because of all the tools I used while sick. I wonder if I should have tried to spend more time with her yesterday, I wonder if I should have been a better friend and, as my hubby says, use my experience to empathize with her instead of heading home. I don't think my meeting with her was just by chance, I think I will try and look her up and check on her now.

Will time heal the memories?

I asked my husband the other day when will the memories of PPD be so distant I can barely remember it. He replied, "hopefully never" He reasoned that as long as I remember the pain I will be empathetic to others and grateful for my own journey. While this is true, I still think about my life before PPD, when I was so naively blissful. When I could have a heart palpitation and enjoy the rush of the beating instead of wondering if it's finally a heart attack. Or when I could drive to the doctors without wondering if I'm going to freak myself out with a panic attack. I'm going on 3 years post partum now, and actually feel better than I have in years, both physically and emotionally. I still take Zoloft and will continue for the time being. I'm thankful for the medication as it helps me to keep a level head (no pun intended) about the real issues going on. I know that my chest pains are due to drinking coffee and not from stress. If I feel sad, it's probably because I'm either bored or I'm pms-ing, not from being depressed. I feel very free and alive and I still believe that it's because of my experience with Andrews birth. We are heading back to the coast this year, the same place I went when I was suffering from PPD. I don't remember that trip very well. I was a little hesitant about going there, I didn't want to associate it with being sick. But I'm far enough away from the illness that I am ready to re-claim what was taken away from me. So I'll go and make new memories at the beach with my family. I'd say I'm a happier mom today with more energy and contentment. This will be Andrew's first birthday that will be really celebrated by me. His first b-day cake was made by his Godmother, if not for her there would have been no celebration at all. His second birthday was held at his Godparents house complete with decorations, balloons and celebration-and I was so thankful for them coming to bat while I was still in the "outfield". So this year I am decorating and blowing up balloons and filling a pinata and making his cake. This year I'm celebrating more then just birthdays I think. This year I'm celebrating God's Grace and my mental well being.

4 steps forward....1step back

I recently went on a women's retreat in Beaverton, Ore. with my good friend Theodora. We left in the afternoon and planned on leisurely driving to our hotel and having a nice quiet evening before Saturdays session. I really like driving to Portland, it's such an easy and pretty drive for us. However, we arrived in the Portland area around 8:30pm. I typically don't drive at night, nor do I drive freeways that often anymore. The map we had was almost cryptic in it's instructions. Needless to say we got lost and were heading south to Lake Oswego. While driving on the freeway, I noticed a car tailing me (typical in freeway driving) all of a sudden my thoughts started racing with a mind of their own. Here is how my brain went:
"Hmm, my chest hurts...I haven't had any coffee...it must be the stress of driving....what if I had a heart attack right now right here....what would I do...what would Theodora do....what if I had to get off the freeway right now and it was a bad part of town....what if I had a panic attack that like I had before.............." Oh yea! that's how my mind went in a matter of seconds. All of a sudden my heart started racing, I felt the blood draining out of my body and my limbs going cold. I knew though that I wouldn't faint, and it was all in my head. So I quickly told my companion I just put myself into a panic attack. It left as quickly as it came. Whew! But I found talking about it immediately helped to dissipate it. I also knew that I'm on anti anxiety medication but may have break through anxiety. This was the first one though since May. It left me on edge and I'm still a little edgy. I try not to perseverate on the symptoms though and what I may be feeling at the moment. I move along to the next task at hand. I smile inside and out and remember to trust that God is in control. It was a lesson in feeling out of control . I am out of control of my life at times and of situations at hand and that's ok. I am learning to allow people and things in my life even when I'm not ready for them. I'm remembering not to panic and to be more Mary like then Martha. Even with this little , and I do mean little, setback I still am enjoying life. I'm wearing shorts in 55 degree weather (I refuse to accept that Winter is just around the corner) I'm planning on starting to skateboard with some other moms, I'm contemplating some dread lock action and I'm not even opposed to a tattoo or two. When I was thinking about this post earlier I kept imagining Dory from Finding Nemo singing, "just keep swimming, just keep swimming..." and I thought how appropriate that is for me. So I'll just keep swimming while learning a few new strokes to get me through the rough current.

Fear Not!

I recently learned a valuable lesson while on vacation. Being born and raised in So. California I was a fearful child that grew into a fearful adult. As a kindergartner I would lie in bed afraid the mummies that lived down the street would crawl up to my second floor bedroom. I was afraid to walk by the house that had snake pits and a witch living there. In Second grade I grew fearful of the Zodiac Killer http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zodiac_Killer. I also grew to dread the sound of helicopters flying above, knowing that it was a criminal they were looking for-in my backyard I was sure. As I grew I continued to be afraid of many things. Even after being married many years the fear was so intense I would barracade myself in my house when Herman went on trips. I was afraid of people walking on the street, and especially of walking in cross walks in front of cars. My legs would wobble and I had to force myself to remember how to walk. The list goes on of the fears I lived with.
That was then, though, and this is now.
Before going to So. California I told my hubby that I didn't want to go to Down town because I was nervous about being there. I was sure I would be a target. I hated driving the freeway through L.A. just to get to my in-laws house. I thought about how they sleep with their windows open and I would lay awake each night during vacation listening for intruders.
I was prepared for the usual fears to take over while on vacation.
However, at some point during the trip I realized I was without any hesitation or fear. We went downtown and walked around. I experienced downtown Portland where I normally would cringe and walk with a rapid heart beat, only this time I enjoyed what I saw and laughed at the pot smokers on the corner. I didn't walk with my head down when passing someone looking "scary". I held my head up high and even joked about the "crack house" feel of the hallway in our hotel downtown. It was such a freeing feeling and a social freedom that allowed me to really look at life, at people. It was on the way home I related this to Herman. And I concluded that suffering from Post Partum Depression was enough to scare me for a life time. After a year and a half of PPD there's nothin' that can scare me now.
I'm still medicated but am not going to couseling. I'm happy and alive and feeling vibrant. Winter's a comin' and I'm ready. Afterall whats a little gloomy dreary weather compared to a hellish emotional roller coaster ride. Another thing to be grateful for from the makers of Post Partum Depression. Thank you and Good Night.

Checking In

I thought it was time to give an update on my journey. I am doing very well and am feeling joyful most of the time. My anxiety is minimal and my energy level is up. My moods are stable and I am enjoying most every min. of the day. The sun is out, the weather is warm/hot, I have time to read and relax and the kids are on summer break. The therapy of choice right now is continuing my zoloft, getting plenty of rest, drinking tea all day long, reading spiritual material as well as "fluff", getting my chores done early and calling the rest of the day-gravy. I find as I lesson my prayer time during the day I get more anxious or moody. So a big key for me is staying close to God daily. Through out the day thinking about Him, praying to Him, pondering His creation and just being thankful. I realized that I no longer hate laundry. I actually enjoy folding the clothes and find it a time to pray and quiet my mind. Who'd a thunk it? I work at being less uptight about situations that are out of my control and am learning to roll with it. My therapist suggested that I take a break from "healing" and just enjoy where I'm at right now. So I am, and will check in with her in September. Therapy is no longer a tool for post partum depression, it's a tool for life long negative patterns to be changed. My journey was so not typical and I don't think every mom suffering would benefit from my experience. My orthodox faith is HUGE in how I look at the suffering I went through and how to face the future. I still would never wish this on ANYONE but I am so thankful to have gone through it. Well, time to go sit in the sun with some ice tea. Till next time.......hang in there.

My anxious mind

Christ is Risen!
Bright Week is upon us. Bright Week is the week after Orthodox Easter. Our rules of prayer are relaxed as is our fasting. It's a time of joy and walking in the resurrection. I always expect Bright Week to come and bring a relief to the pain and struggles I have gone through during Lent. I always expect instant joy and giddiness. Yea, that lasts about a day and a half then reality sets in. The reality that I still exist in this world. It is still a joyful week admist the continued struggles. We have a sick household again with fevers and sore throats and a possible ear infection for me. We've been sick since January, we seem to get a break of a week or so then here comes something else. There is Grace between those hard times though. Just as there is Grace between my struggles. I've experienced the Grace after dealing with my anxiety a few weeks ago. My Zoloft is kicking in and my anxiety level is down. My mind continues to spin and wonder and have an agenda of its own though. I am still experiencing "spiking" thoughts (thoughts that typically lead to an anxiety attack) but my body isn't reacting to them as it did before. I'm guessing the meds are helping to even out those pesky imbalanced chemicals. The sun is out daily and the temps are very warm. This brings me joy in the midst of the gray that clouds my brain. I feel like a cat laying in the sun soaking up the warmth to store for the cold days. I'm learning some new things to replace the destructive thoughts. Like, so what if I have a heart attack, it's out of my control anyway. So what if I have an ear infection, I'll get over it. No that isn't a life threatening pain I feel, it's a sore muscle from mowing the lawn. You get the idea. I have to reassure my brain that I'm ok, it doesn't have to work over time thinking it needs to press my panic button. It's actually helping a bit. Living in Gods Grace helps too. He's given me Grace to rest up for the next battle, be it more anxiety or depression or illnesses. I'll be rested up and ready to "fight" again. I'm also learning to anticipate possible stress factors that I normally wouldn't think of. Kids birthdays all in a row, sleep overs, guests, early church services, sleepless nights, bill paying, laundry staring at me, the cat staring at me, the kids staring at me, etc. With these stress factors I will use the muscles relaxation I've been learning and do the Jesus Prayer and smile whether I want to or not. So, yes, Christ is Risen, but we also are still living in a broken world. Glory to God that He has given us His Grace to get through the rest of the journey.
More on the journey later-now it's time for bed and some deep breathing.

Oops I did it again

Well, the ugly monster anxiety reared it's ugly head at me again. A few weeks ago I woke in the middle of the night with a stomach ache. My mind wandered to an episode of "Trauma, life in the ER" I had watched earlier that evening. A doctor was admitted in to the hospital with Appendicitis. I didn't really think I had it, but my mind tends to have a mind of it's own. Thus started the worst panic attack I've experienced. My heart began pounding, I started sweating and I grew light headed. Everything started closing in around me and my eyesight fogged up. I was on the verge of passing out-or so I thought. I woke my husband in a panic and he carried me to the livingroom. I wasn't able to walk. I told him to get me a cold rag and a clonazapan. After laying there for a while I calmed down and was able to go back to bed. This little episode started a two week spree of anxiety and panic. I became afraid of driving my kids, thinking I would pass out in the car. On the way to an eye appointment with my son, I had to turn around and go get my dad to drive us. I couldn't function any longer. I had 4 panic attacks just in the doctors office while trying to talk to him. I drove to church with the kids and arrived in a flood of tears. I sent the two older ones inside and my Godmother and another friend came to my rescue. They sat in the car with me as I cried and talked. It was decided then that I needed help controlling these anxiety attacks. They paralyze me and it takes me a week or more to recover from them. Upon finding that Zoloft addresses Anxiety disorders I made the decision to try it. It was heart wrenching due to my previous experience with medication. It's been two weeks since I started the drug. One thing I have learned since then, is, it is impossible to faint during a panic attack. When you faint, your blood pressure drops and passing out is your bodies way of getting your head down level with your feet. When having an anxiety attack your blood pressure actually goes up making it not possible for your body to faint.
I started to have destructive thoughts again after the first episode, "what if I try and hurt myself, what if I try and hurt someone else..." I have since also learned that these thoughts do not produce anxiety, it is anxiety that produces these thoughts. They are not real or accurate. These two realizations were of comfort to me.
My husband infiltrated my diet with whole grains and fresh foods-no sugar, no caffeine etc. My hunger had decreased anyway so it wasn't hard to change my eating. I increased my water again and tried to get outside as much as possible. When you start experiencing the panic attacks, it's important to become pro-active and not immobilized. I listened to my body and napped when I needed to, I ate even when I didn't want to, I walked when I was tired. I continued my prayer life and repeatedly sought Gods mercy. This felt like when I first broke down with PPD. I think that's why it scared me more on one hand. But on the other hand I also knew how to deal with it this time. So in the end, of this post at least, I have been anxiety free for 4 days now and continue to look forward. This isn't about Post Partum Depression anymore, it's about living in a stressed out world with a stressed out body and anxious mind. Lord Jesus Christ Son of God have mercy on me a sinner.