A moment in time

I have been looking for a friend of mine from the past. She and I went through jr. high, high school and early adult hood together. We've been touch and go with our communications with each other. Well, she finally found me yesterday. Reading her email brought me back to days of old. When her family was first starting-mine was only a hope in the future. She lost her youngest child and her brother the same year I had my youngest child, in 2004. Last night as I drifted off to sleep, I was restless. I couldn't stop thinking about her loss and where she is at now, and my struggles. I felt embarrassed, sad, disappointed and disgusted with myself. And this I told to God. I asked His forgiveness for my inability to handle the minor suffering he has sent me. I cried in the shower, my tears mixing with the water that was going down the drain. I felt a mixture of emptiness, relief and stagnation in time. My friend talked of her gratitude to God for allowing her to have 10 years with her son. I think of my being ungrateful for my full existence. But then I have to ease up on myself and remember-we only know the deepest grief that we experience ourselves. As I struggle to be a mom , she is struggling to be a mom without her youngest son. As I struggle with my Post Partum Depression, she is struggling with the depression of life being robbed from her. I really admire her and am so grateful she has come back into my life. A good reminder, a good touch stone, a good kick in the pants for me. I've been asked to journal a little about my childhood and how it has affected my depression. Well the most I'll say about that is that we are all products of our childhood. However we were raised has determined how we will raise or not raise those entrusted to us. Yes, my depression reigns from a lifetime suppressing all emotions except anger. Anger was my friend and my companion. Whatever the underlying emotion was-anger was the manifested one. I was safe and protected when I was angry-so anger has driven me to where I am now. A miserable wretch of a person learning how to feel and love those around me. Each event is a dissection of the true emotion lying dormant. Am I really mad? or am I scared right now, am I really mad or am I sad, am I really mad or am I just plain exhausted. Turns out I'm not such a bad person afterall. when you uncover the layers you'll find a possibly pleasant person to be around. Ok, so I'm having a feeling good about myself moment. But it does seem that the anger is feeling more and more alien. I have learned that the negative emotions are starting to move out and the positive ones are starting to make a home for themselves. Example: as I write, the children are in the living room doing whatever children do-there are very loud noises and thumps, screams and crys, laughter turning to yelling and a baby is in the midst of it all. But am I up and screaming at them to STOP? Not at all. I'm sitting here looking out the window at the potential sunshine for today, I'm thinking about going to the mall to Bath and Body and I'm ok with the noise level and the fact that there may be a big mess out there, or possibly some blood shed. But I'm ok with taking my time and finishing this up. I'm ok with feeling joyful today instead of letting anger steal this moment in time.