"Do we have to die to have union with God?"

This was a good comment that I think the majority of people share. I also shared this view about a year ago. About 6 months after I was diagnosed with PPD I began begging God not to let me die till I at least raised the kids. Just get them raised then I can die I kept telling myself. I was obsessed with the idea of having a heart attack and dying. (anxiety and heartburn related chest pains didn't help) When talking with my priest about this fear he reminded me that God is in control, not me, and if I were to die-my kids would be taken care of. He wouldn't take me away just to ruin my kids lives. That gave me the freedom to give that concern up. What a burden it is to try and control your own mortality. So here is where I am now: Do I like life? Ya, it's ok. I love having my senses and being able to see the beauty of the changing landscapes, hearing the whirrrrrr of last minute lawn mowing and the birds arguing and smelling the onset of fall. I enjoy reading books again and relish a moment to put my face to the sun and soak up the warmth. I like my kids and don't mind the rainy days. So ya, I'm ok with life now. Do I want to live forever? Heck no! I'm not afraid of growing old, I'm afraid of NOT dying. I love God here on earth. I know He loves me-but I also have learned more about His love through reading the lives of the saints. This makes me want to be with Him more. I can only attain a certain union with God while here on earth. I'm certainly not on my way to sainthood myself-so suffice to say I'm about as close as I can get to God right now-given my fallen ways. But it's like being married to an inmate (stay with me now) you love this person you see behind the glass with all your heart, but you can't hold his hand, you can't kiss him, you end up going home alone anticipating your next visiting day. I want to be with Him. I want my only focus in life, my only purpose to be worshiping and loving Him. Here on earth there are numerous distractions-family, work, society, etc. So do we have to die to have union with God? Of course not, He is so gracious and loving that he'll love us through this life, but only once we are with Him in Heaven will we experience the perfect union with God. Depression has been a gift to me, it has caused me to realize how uncomfortable I am in this world and to be willing not to be tied to it as I once was.