I'm walking on sunshine-ya ya!

I was informed it has been a couple of months since my last post. It's been hard for me to return. I haven't wanted to take the time to "think" about myself. But so much has progressed since June that I have to continue the blogging journey.
Since June my 9 year old daughter has taken a week long trip with her grandmother to New York, has attended a girls summer camp with nuns at St. Johns Monastery, my 7 year old was in a production of Jack and the Beanstalk (as a jumping bean) , I have taken yet another trip to St. Xenias Skete, I started bi-monthly therapy sessions AND I had a surprise water park/pool party for my 41st birthday!
The ending phase (hope hope) in my recovery is now therapy. I have a wonderful Orthodox therapist that is teaching me how to "undo" 40 years of behavior. I have realized that I don't know how to parent without yelling-apparently I don't have an inside voice. But now I am being forced to look at the deep reasons for my quick temper and irritation. I have to practice ways of stopping my destructive mouth before it hurts and I have to disect my emotional responses. What all of this means is that I am learning to maintain self control. I am learning to accept why something sets me off but not to react to it. Eventually, the hope is that I'll develop new behaviors that will come natural to me. I've had to be honest and real with my kids so they can encourage or more likely, forgive me. I go in, shed a tear or two and leave feeling ready for the rest of the day.

We've had near 100 degree days for over a month now. Lots of sunshine and heat. I have been loving it! I'm soaking up enough to last through the winter.
I'm feeling 99% normal and look forward to the next 1% improvement.

I am so very thankful for having suffered as I did. I know it was all for my salvation. If I hadn't gone through this journey I wouldn't be at the point of trying to change my negative behavior now. It's only through suffering that we realize how much we HAVE to rely on God. It's only through suffering that we learn what our true self is, and how sinful we are. It's only through suffering that we grow closer to Christ. I know that when everything is going well and there isn't a problem in sight I tend to loose my focus. My prayers aren't as fervent and heartfelt. My petitions aren't as genuine. My worship becomes more mechanical. Only in the midst of trauma/crisis can we truely put our trust in God and not in princes and sons of man. I had to trust that He would save me from myself and keep my family safe while I was "sick". I had to trust that He would sustain me with moments of His Grace. I had to trust that He was in charge and knew what was best for me.

I'm starting my third year of homeschooling next week. The first year I was exhausted and pregnant, the second year I suffered from post partum depression. This year ought to rock cuz here I come with more wisdom, patience, energy, excitement, joy, a stronger faith and hope for the future-whether it is on this earth or the Heavenly Kingdom.