My anxious mind

Christ is Risen!
Bright Week is upon us. Bright Week is the week after Orthodox Easter. Our rules of prayer are relaxed as is our fasting. It's a time of joy and walking in the resurrection. I always expect Bright Week to come and bring a relief to the pain and struggles I have gone through during Lent. I always expect instant joy and giddiness. Yea, that lasts about a day and a half then reality sets in. The reality that I still exist in this world. It is still a joyful week admist the continued struggles. We have a sick household again with fevers and sore throats and a possible ear infection for me. We've been sick since January, we seem to get a break of a week or so then here comes something else. There is Grace between those hard times though. Just as there is Grace between my struggles. I've experienced the Grace after dealing with my anxiety a few weeks ago. My Zoloft is kicking in and my anxiety level is down. My mind continues to spin and wonder and have an agenda of its own though. I am still experiencing "spiking" thoughts (thoughts that typically lead to an anxiety attack) but my body isn't reacting to them as it did before. I'm guessing the meds are helping to even out those pesky imbalanced chemicals. The sun is out daily and the temps are very warm. This brings me joy in the midst of the gray that clouds my brain. I feel like a cat laying in the sun soaking up the warmth to store for the cold days. I'm learning some new things to replace the destructive thoughts. Like, so what if I have a heart attack, it's out of my control anyway. So what if I have an ear infection, I'll get over it. No that isn't a life threatening pain I feel, it's a sore muscle from mowing the lawn. You get the idea. I have to reassure my brain that I'm ok, it doesn't have to work over time thinking it needs to press my panic button. It's actually helping a bit. Living in Gods Grace helps too. He's given me Grace to rest up for the next battle, be it more anxiety or depression or illnesses. I'll be rested up and ready to "fight" again. I'm also learning to anticipate possible stress factors that I normally wouldn't think of. Kids birthdays all in a row, sleep overs, guests, early church services, sleepless nights, bill paying, laundry staring at me, the cat staring at me, the kids staring at me, etc. With these stress factors I will use the muscles relaxation I've been learning and do the Jesus Prayer and smile whether I want to or not. So, yes, Christ is Risen, but we also are still living in a broken world. Glory to God that He has given us His Grace to get through the rest of the journey.
More on the journey later-now it's time for bed and some deep breathing.

Oops I did it again

Well, the ugly monster anxiety reared it's ugly head at me again. A few weeks ago I woke in the middle of the night with a stomach ache. My mind wandered to an episode of "Trauma, life in the ER" I had watched earlier that evening. A doctor was admitted in to the hospital with Appendicitis. I didn't really think I had it, but my mind tends to have a mind of it's own. Thus started the worst panic attack I've experienced. My heart began pounding, I started sweating and I grew light headed. Everything started closing in around me and my eyesight fogged up. I was on the verge of passing out-or so I thought. I woke my husband in a panic and he carried me to the livingroom. I wasn't able to walk. I told him to get me a cold rag and a clonazapan. After laying there for a while I calmed down and was able to go back to bed. This little episode started a two week spree of anxiety and panic. I became afraid of driving my kids, thinking I would pass out in the car. On the way to an eye appointment with my son, I had to turn around and go get my dad to drive us. I couldn't function any longer. I had 4 panic attacks just in the doctors office while trying to talk to him. I drove to church with the kids and arrived in a flood of tears. I sent the two older ones inside and my Godmother and another friend came to my rescue. They sat in the car with me as I cried and talked. It was decided then that I needed help controlling these anxiety attacks. They paralyze me and it takes me a week or more to recover from them. Upon finding that Zoloft addresses Anxiety disorders I made the decision to try it. It was heart wrenching due to my previous experience with medication. It's been two weeks since I started the drug. One thing I have learned since then, is, it is impossible to faint during a panic attack. When you faint, your blood pressure drops and passing out is your bodies way of getting your head down level with your feet. When having an anxiety attack your blood pressure actually goes up making it not possible for your body to faint.
I started to have destructive thoughts again after the first episode, "what if I try and hurt myself, what if I try and hurt someone else..." I have since also learned that these thoughts do not produce anxiety, it is anxiety that produces these thoughts. They are not real or accurate. These two realizations were of comfort to me.
My husband infiltrated my diet with whole grains and fresh foods-no sugar, no caffeine etc. My hunger had decreased anyway so it wasn't hard to change my eating. I increased my water again and tried to get outside as much as possible. When you start experiencing the panic attacks, it's important to become pro-active and not immobilized. I listened to my body and napped when I needed to, I ate even when I didn't want to, I walked when I was tired. I continued my prayer life and repeatedly sought Gods mercy. This felt like when I first broke down with PPD. I think that's why it scared me more on one hand. But on the other hand I also knew how to deal with it this time. So in the end, of this post at least, I have been anxiety free for 4 days now and continue to look forward. This isn't about Post Partum Depression anymore, it's about living in a stressed out world with a stressed out body and anxious mind. Lord Jesus Christ Son of God have mercy on me a sinner.