4 steps forward....1step back

I recently went on a women's retreat in Beaverton, Ore. with my good friend Theodora. We left in the afternoon and planned on leisurely driving to our hotel and having a nice quiet evening before Saturdays session. I really like driving to Portland, it's such an easy and pretty drive for us. However, we arrived in the Portland area around 8:30pm. I typically don't drive at night, nor do I drive freeways that often anymore. The map we had was almost cryptic in it's instructions. Needless to say we got lost and were heading south to Lake Oswego. While driving on the freeway, I noticed a car tailing me (typical in freeway driving) all of a sudden my thoughts started racing with a mind of their own. Here is how my brain went:
"Hmm, my chest hurts...I haven't had any coffee...it must be the stress of driving....what if I had a heart attack right now right here....what would I do...what would Theodora do....what if I had to get off the freeway right now and it was a bad part of town....what if I had a panic attack that like I had before.............." Oh yea! that's how my mind went in a matter of seconds. All of a sudden my heart started racing, I felt the blood draining out of my body and my limbs going cold. I knew though that I wouldn't faint, and it was all in my head. So I quickly told my companion I just put myself into a panic attack. It left as quickly as it came. Whew! But I found talking about it immediately helped to dissipate it. I also knew that I'm on anti anxiety medication but may have break through anxiety. This was the first one though since May. It left me on edge and I'm still a little edgy. I try not to perseverate on the symptoms though and what I may be feeling at the moment. I move along to the next task at hand. I smile inside and out and remember to trust that God is in control. It was a lesson in feeling out of control . I am out of control of my life at times and of situations at hand and that's ok. I am learning to allow people and things in my life even when I'm not ready for them. I'm remembering not to panic and to be more Mary like then Martha. Even with this little , and I do mean little, setback I still am enjoying life. I'm wearing shorts in 55 degree weather (I refuse to accept that Winter is just around the corner) I'm planning on starting to skateboard with some other moms, I'm contemplating some dread lock action and I'm not even opposed to a tattoo or two. When I was thinking about this post earlier I kept imagining Dory from Finding Nemo singing, "just keep swimming, just keep swimming..." and I thought how appropriate that is for me. So I'll just keep swimming while learning a few new strokes to get me through the rough current.

Fear Not!

I recently learned a valuable lesson while on vacation. Being born and raised in So. California I was a fearful child that grew into a fearful adult. As a kindergartner I would lie in bed afraid the mummies that lived down the street would crawl up to my second floor bedroom. I was afraid to walk by the house that had snake pits and a witch living there. In Second grade I grew fearful of the Zodiac Killer http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zodiac_Killer. I also grew to dread the sound of helicopters flying above, knowing that it was a criminal they were looking for-in my backyard I was sure. As I grew I continued to be afraid of many things. Even after being married many years the fear was so intense I would barracade myself in my house when Herman went on trips. I was afraid of people walking on the street, and especially of walking in cross walks in front of cars. My legs would wobble and I had to force myself to remember how to walk. The list goes on of the fears I lived with.
That was then, though, and this is now.
Before going to So. California I told my hubby that I didn't want to go to Down town because I was nervous about being there. I was sure I would be a target. I hated driving the freeway through L.A. just to get to my in-laws house. I thought about how they sleep with their windows open and I would lay awake each night during vacation listening for intruders.
I was prepared for the usual fears to take over while on vacation.
However, at some point during the trip I realized I was without any hesitation or fear. We went downtown and walked around. I experienced downtown Portland where I normally would cringe and walk with a rapid heart beat, only this time I enjoyed what I saw and laughed at the pot smokers on the corner. I didn't walk with my head down when passing someone looking "scary". I held my head up high and even joked about the "crack house" feel of the hallway in our hotel downtown. It was such a freeing feeling and a social freedom that allowed me to really look at life, at people. It was on the way home I related this to Herman. And I concluded that suffering from Post Partum Depression was enough to scare me for a life time. After a year and a half of PPD there's nothin' that can scare me now.
I'm still medicated but am not going to couseling. I'm happy and alive and feeling vibrant. Winter's a comin' and I'm ready. Afterall whats a little gloomy dreary weather compared to a hellish emotional roller coaster ride. Another thing to be grateful for from the makers of Post Partum Depression. Thank you and Good Night.