A stranger in a strange land

I think of the song by the Doors "People are strange, when you're a stranger...." It's not so much that the people are strange, but more that I'm the stranger in a foreign land. I have always thought of myself as a cartoon character. I talk too loud sometimes, laugh too much, offer too much advice and act animated. I love to sit and listen to the sounds of the neighborhood like mowers and windchimes, birds and frogs, and even the occasional children fighting, oh wait those are usually mine. I love to sit in the sunshine like a cat and soak up the warmth. I love to read good stories without a lot of romance, sex, or violence in them. I love to drink ice tea with lemon and sweetener. I love to go on car rides, even if it's just to run errands. I love to sit still and look at nothing and rock in my chair. I love to just be, I love life. At least I used to.
A friend of mine said, "we all miss that part of you, the fun loving...." my only reply was, "That was all taken from me. I was robbed of 'me' ." But it's kind of like a clean slate now. I have to now figure out how to live in the world with the possibility of depression/anxiety being my thorn. I'm not sure how to do that. People ask how I'm doing, my reply is, "I'm.....here" I can't put on a face anymore and say I'm great and life is great and being a mother is great. All I can say is, I'm...here. It's better than leaving and not returning. I'm....here. Another friend said he would pray for me to have the heart of the apostle Paul. Paul would say how he would much rather be in Heaven with Christ then on this earth, but he was needed still here and therefore would stay. That's kind of how I feel. I don't want to be on this earth anymore. I'm done. Life isn't as grand as the how to manual said it would be. It's too hard being human. I would love nothing better than for God to say that it's my time to go. I know my kids will be fine and my husband will endure. I sometimes think I would make such a better mother in Heaven then here. Probably a better wife too, no more raised eyebrows or sarcastic remarks about him not knowing how to make a grilled cheese sandwich. BUT as Paul said, I'm needed here. So I will continue to try to learn how to live in this strange land. How to stay off medication, how to handle my stress, how to be a more loving mom, how to be a better servant to those around me and how to live a life of repentance. (Heavy sigh)

I'm Not Ok

I just watched a segment from the Today show with Brook Shields. She was talking about her new book and Post Partum Depression. I was eager to hear what she could offer me that I haven't already done, but the interview didn't do PPD justice. I felt let down by the limited exposure that the public would recieve. Yesterday my husband said to me, "You know, I don't think it's the Post Partum Depression anymore, I think you are overwhelmed with having three kids, because you used to be so good at multi tasking and now you struggle." I numbly agreed. I also spent the last two months fighting negative thoughts, daily fighting tears, fighting fatigue, fighting irritability. Hmmm sounds like every moms plight. I met with my homeopath who is changing my remedy to address the irritability and fatigue. I even told him I wasn't suffering from the PPD anymore. Well you know what? Before PPD I was fine, I could handle being tired, I could handle being pissy, I could handle being discontent, I could handle all three kids being sick at the same time, I could handle the sun not shining for a day or two and isolation within the walls of my home. I could handle anything. Now I get overwhelmed when the kids are arguing with each other, when fevers creep into the family I get nervous and perseverate on it. I look at a sink with a few dishes in it and it drives me crazy. The never ending laundry makes me want to turn and run. The livingroom being cluttered with toys and bedrooms so messy my baby can't go into the room he shares with his brother because there is too much crap on the floor......it is a never ending cycle. It never bothered me before to the point of feeling the need to flee from life. Still sound like the typical mother? Well that's accurate of every mothers life, but for this mother IT'S NOT OK. I'm a pressure pot that can't let out steam, my chest continually hurts from the stress and my doctor wants to throw more prescriptions at me to control it. IT'S NOT OK My thoughts are continually going towards doom and gloom and I'm fighting each one as it creeps in with "Lord Jesus Christ have Mercy on Me a Sinner" I went through Pascha without the grace and peace normally felt. I still feel in the darkness of Lent. My priest suggested perhaps this is my "thorn" to remind me to continually draw close to God and lean on Him. Man, if I lean anymore I'll topple over. It's been 14 months and I haven't been on any medication for 8 months. I sit in the sunshine as much as I can for the warmth and light, I get out and attend services as much as possible. I surround myself with holy people but still IT'S NOT OK. I want out, I want it to stop, I don't want to work at healing anymore I'm tired! People expect me to be fine now, with a few days of sadness maybe, they expect me to be back to normal. They don't expect me to feel like I'm going to fall off the face of the earth if I take another step, or say another word. They don't expect me to struggle hourly with destructive thoughts, nor do they expect to have to treat me with kid gloves anymore. There are so many horrible things that happen to people, real things, awful things, there isn't anything that has happened to me, there isn't any reason for my misery. Yet, all I can say is, I'M NOT OK.