What can I do NOW to help???

I have been wondering how exactly can I help other mothers who are suffering from PPD. Even though I have experienced it I still feel very inadequate in the area of making someone else feel better. When you are suffering, you just want to feel better NOW. Knowing you'll be fine in a year or so doesn't help when you just started the journey. Looking back I remember things that either I did or were done for me that helped me get through each critical moment. The following is a list of tangible ideas that may be helpful:
1. Drink at least 2 quarts of water a day.
2. Start walking ( I did laps in my back yard while the baby slept)
3. DON'T watch dramas on TV (especially about mothers or parenting)
4. DON'T watch the news either or read the Newspapers. The seriousness of the issues can aggravate the already existing negative feelings.
5. Family members need to allow her to sleep as needed that means holding and caring for the baby for hours and hours during the day.
6. Don't force her to eat, but offer lots of choices. The only thing I could choke down was roast beef sandwiches from a local sandwich shop.
7. Offer "ensure" type of drinks for nutrition if she can't eat.
8. Take Omega 3 capsules (fish oil-known to help depression)
9. I played Orthodox chanting over and over-very comforting
10. I read books on Saints-one after another. It helps to take your mind off yourself
11. Take over all household duties-dishes, laundry, cleaning etc. I had a friend come in once a week to clean my kitchen and bathroom. And my mom in law made my bed every day so it felt fresh to crawl into.
12. I surrounded myself with icons-especially the Theotokos (Mother of God) and St.s Herman, Seraphim of Sarrov and John of Shanghai.
13. After seeking medical help I found Clonzapan helpful with controlling my anxiety attacks. It's fast acting and leaves the system quickly. Can make you drowsy though. This was the only beneficial medication I felt I was on.
14. Having too many people in the same room was way overwhelming for me. Though having one visitor sometimes helped.
15. IF POSSIBLE-seek out an experienced homeopath practioner who can address the illness naturally.
16. Have a "sunlight" lamp around to sit under if the days are gloomy, I have one on my bed side table.
17. Keep in contact with your spiritual father/priest-attend the church services as often as you can.
18. DON'T BE ASHAMED TO ADMIT FEELINGS! PPD brings out LOTS of horrible emotions that are not part of your normal personality. You have to talk about them, it allows your loved ones and doctors to gage where you are in the illness.
19. REMEMBER-it's a physical illness, it's not something YOU can control. This is a challenge to remember for those of us with controlling personalities.
The most important thing I should have started my list out with is
Seek medical help. If your OB is unfamiliar with PPD then seek out your general practioner. If he/she is unfamiliar, help to educate them. Being monitored by your doctor is very important with this illness.
If you are still needing more info. please leave a comment and I'll try and address it.
Tomorrow Andrew will be 11 months old. I'm coming up on the 1 year anniversary of my illness. As of today I feel 99% better then I have all year, and am still off all medications. I do, however, still see a homeopath nurse practioner that monitors my illness.
But I can look back without wincing now, and I can see the future. Sometimes I let out a big "Whew!" knowing where I was, and how I got through it. Truly, by the Grace of God!

A Bishop is more than a chess piece

Andrew is sleeping and the older two kids are at their "homeschool" school so I trying to get you caught up to speed.

It was a Thursday-I was feeling pretty bad. I went to a MOPS (mothers of pre-schoolers) meeting for the first time in years. I thought it would be good for me to get out and meet more moms. They usually have a brunch, a speaker and a craft-all while the kids are being babysat by other people. I was really looking forward to this. Well, the brunch was oatmeal, the speaker was a video and the craft was a St. Patricks Day pin (in Jan.). We talked at the table and the moms wanted to know about my PPD experience, having not been exposed to it before they were pretty naive. In the end I was asked not to come back unless I could find a baby sitter for my baby at home. They had too many moms already and not enough people to watch the babies. On one hand I understood the logistics of it all, but on the other hand I was floored. A new mom, recovering from post partum depression, should NEVER be turned away from MOPS-a mothers support group. I have to laugh at the irony of it though. Ok so that was my Thursday. Friday came and I was doing worse. Couldn't homeschool the kids that day-just vegged infront of the TV to get through the day. My mom called and asked me to go thrift store shopping on Saturday. I thought that would be good for me and would take my mind off of myself. Saturday came and I had sunken into my original abyss. I went through the motions of the morning as a zombie. Each store we went into, I found the nearest chair and just waited for them to be done. After two stores we headed home for lunch and I couldn't make my kids lunch. My mom did. I fed the baby as tears just fell down my face. My mom, by now, knew how to work around me and she took over. I emailed Doug (my homeopath) and told him how I was barely holding onto a shred of string. He wrote back and told me to stop taking my remedy it was time for a new one. But I wouldn't be getting it till Thursday. I had to go almost a week feeling like this???? In Christian orthodoxy the role of the Priest and Bishop are very important. The priest cares for his church and the Bishop cares for many churches and priests. Well, our Bishop was coming to visit our parish for the very first time. He was due to arrive at our little airport this very day I was drowning. It is customary to meet him at the airport with flowers and bread and salt and to sing to him. I knew I HAD to be there come hell or highwater. At noon my mom went with us and we headed to the airport. As soon as I got there people were asking me how I was and each question was met with a flood of tears. My friends understood then that I was falling again. All the kids were pressing their noses against the glass waiting for his plane to arrive. The choir was positioned as were the rest of the prisoners that came to welcome him. We were told to wait till the next day to receive a blessing from him so we wouldn't overwhelm him. His plane touched down and my heart grew anxious and excited. Here comes a very tall man with full black robe (cassock) and his flat hat and large cross hanging around his neck. His very presence brought the air of authority and respect and awe. We sang, "God grant you many years", presented his flowers and bread. The kids then ran to the luggage area watching to see which bags would be his. My mom kept telling me to go get his blessing. I hesitated not wanting to be a bother. But because I was getting sick again, and because I knew I wouldn't be getting my new remedy till later that week-I knew I had to touch and kiss his hand and receive a blessing which would be dripping with grace from God. I approached him, asked his blessing while bowing to him. I held his hand and kissed it while he made the sign of the cross over me. Instantly my depression lifted! I was riding on the wings of grace. One thing you have to understand is I wasn't kissing a mans hand, I wasn't asking the blessing of just someone dressed unusual. I was kissing the hand of Christ which was being represented by this person. I was asking God to send his grace down to me through this persons blessing. The relief I felt is indescribable. Later that night we had a 3 hour vigil-which again I received a blessing and anointing of holy oil. I went to bed feeling lifted and light. We took the kids to church the next day and stood through another 3 hour service followed by a festive luncheon in honor of the Bishop. It felt like Pasha (Easter). I knew the grace I received would have to last me till I got my new remedy. It did! I floated through the week. I had a little moment of tears on Tuesday but that was abated by talking about the weekend with the Bishop. Just speaking about him brought the grace I felt back. I asked our Priest for his prayers and immediately felt the heaviness lift again. On Thursday I received my new remedy-Mancinella (apple) this time. And I have felt wonderful since. I met with my homeopath last week and we are still addressing my core issues-anger etc. I don't know how I would have survived this year without being orthodox. I wouldn't have been able to ask the Saints in Heaven to pray for me, or I wouldn't have known to. I wouldn't have had a spiritual father (our priest) to pray over me and encourage me through the struggles. I wouldn't have had this paticular church family urging me along the path to recovery and homeopathy. I wouldn't have had a Bishop imparting the grace of God to me. It would have been all about me me me. And contrary to what my postings have portrayed-this year has been about me learning to endure the suffering, embrace the struggle and not give into despair and despondency. It hasn't been about "why me" and "why me" though at times it felt like that. There is joy in the struggle, there is laughter in the mourning, there is hope for the hopeless. There is a role and purpose for suffering in our lives-it's not to make us a "better person" like we are so often taught. It's to make us a better person for Christ-a little more worthy of Him. This struggle and suffering has been for my salvation and I'm thankful that Christ loves me sooo much that he allows me to suffer on earth instead of the alternative-suffering in Hell.

Homeopath and Depression

It's been a while since I last posted, I had a setback which I'll go into at a later date.
My last chronological entry talked about me getting ready to see a homeopathic nurse practioner. The initial intake interview was 300.00, which we usually don't happen to have lying around. This time we managed to have exactly that amount in savings. I look at it that God was preparing us for this. The interview took two hours and it was just Doug, my homeopath lifesaver, and me. My husband drove me to the appointment since I was still unable to function on my own. He waited the entire time in the waiting room not once complaining. The session was videotaped and Doug took detailed notes as I talked, cried and rambled. I talked about my feeling disconnected with my two older children, and how I've always felt like I had a heart of stone. To others I appear very animated and loving, but it's a mask I wear. Unfortunately I don't wear it for my family, they get the real me....the angry me....the negative me....the unplayful me....Etc. So these are the issues Doug addressed. The depression seemed to be a symptom of the true illness lying dormant for so many years. The first thing he did was compile a schedule, with the help of my doctor and myself, as to what drugs to wean off of first. First came the "anti-psychotic". No withdrawls from that, though it left an uncontrollable twitch in my nose. (That subsided within a couple of months) The next one was Welbutrin-no withdrawls from that. The big gun was Paxil which can be a horror story all of its own during the weaning process. I had researched every drug I was on, and knew what to expect from their benefits and drawbacks. I weaned off this VERY slowly and gradually. I had "zaps" for about 2 months but that was all. Zaps are little electrical impulses that shoot throughout your body with various head and eye movement. It is quite un-nerving. I chose to keep my Clonzapin or Clonazapan (generic vs name brand) to have on hand for future anxiety attacks. This paticular drug is fast acting, and leaves your system quickly. Though I dropped from my daily 4 mg. to 1/2 mg. as needed. I've only needed it twice in the last 3 months. He started me immediately on a "remedy" as they call it. It works with your body's physical energies if I understand right. My husband and I joked about it being wolf urine-yes that could be a possibility. Doug wouldn't tell me right away, he wanted me to have some time of taking it first for it to take effect. Now mind you I went in to him on the brink of emotional and mental death since nothing else was helping. Within in days I felt a lifting of some of the depression. I started seeing him once a month. The second meeting I was told I was taking chocolate! I loved that! Chocolate targets the need for attachment, security, and safety etc. Unfortunately it didn't benefit me to eat chocolate from the store. A chocolate molecule is taken and dripped into a water molecule until it becomes a solid. Remember this is my laymens or "lame"mens understanding of it all. So I could be a little off or a lot in the process description. Either way, it's done in a lab and is very scientific. I was told that I would feel better in 3 months and in a year I would feel better that I ever did before. I started feeling back to normal within weeks and continued to for months. I would, however, cycle with the depression. It would come back about every 8-10 days and hit me hard for a day or two. But this was so much better than where I had been. People who knew me saw what a miracle this was. My doctor exclaimed what a miracle this was. I knew what a miracle this was. Glory to God for bringing me to a place of rest and healing. I met with Doug in September for the first time, then again in November. I was doing so well we skipped December and met again in January. In between I had phone and email contact with him. During this time he tweaked my remedy a few times according to my needs. I took a different dosage to get me through a set back, then went on to the liquid form to help stop the cycling. I was becoming pretty consistent with having a good day, then about 7 blah days, followed by 1 or 2 really down days with the uncontrollable crying etc. People kept commenting on how good it was to have me "back" again. My eyes were clear again, my posture was straight. My thoughts were focusing and my smile was coming easily. However, something kept feeling like it just wasn't quite right yet. I had a continuous uneasy feeling. How far I had come though, from the depths of PPD to just trying to get my game back. I had said long ago that it would probably be a full year before I was myself again. In Jan. I started feeling like I was relapsing. My days of depression were becoming longer and more frequent. My inability to function was starting to be questioned again. I thought this was supposed to be ending, not starting over again. But what happened next is to be saved for another post. Don't worry, there's a happy ending.