Death becomes her

Ok, reading in the Prologue of Ohrid today (old calendar-October 19) I came across this passage in the homily part which I thought was appropriate for my recent post.
"...God endowed His angels and saints with strength and life; yet all of it is His, and from Him. When shall I come and appear before God? Here is the irresistible yearning of true love for God. Shame on all who say that they believe in God and love God, while the very thought of death---of leaving this world---drives them wild with fear..."

Is our "nature" really natural?

I have been pondering a question lately. I posed it to Herman, my husband, but he didn't seem to get what I was pondering. According to orthodox spiritual writings it is our nature to be with God. Meaning, our whole earthly life is spent pursuing a union with God. This seems to be the whole purpose of our being. My mind then tells me that the closer we get to death, the closer we are to truly being with God in Heaven. Why then, is it our nature to fight for life whenever we feel death approaching? We scramble to hang on to each breath and search frantically for the cure of our fatal illness. The doctor tells us we have about 6 months left to live, maybe 8. Our first instinct is to question, get mad, grieve, deny and finally accept. Yet don't we still search the internet and seek other doctors for an ounce of hope? I would think that if our nature is to seek union with Christ then we would address this news with, "Yippee! I finally get to die, wow have I been waiting for this!"
But look at the human body. It works to survive even without the participation of our own will. When a person drowns, their lungs start to fill up with water, forcing the body to shut down to protect the invasion. The body fights to survive, ironically resulting in death.
So it is our natural instinct to fight off death? And it is the human body's natural instinct to protect itself from dying?
So what really is our "nature"? Is it to gain our salvation from bodily death, or to gain our salvation for Heavenly life?
I'm sure my husband will still be confused by this question if he reads this post, but if you were inside my head you'd totally get what I'm pondering.

Mother of the year??? Not!

Today my eldest, Tansy is finishing her homeschooling early. We have a group of kids coming at noon to eat lunch and play. Becket my 7 year old stayed up late last night to work and finished early this morning as well. Tansy has been busy chatting as she is working. She told me about one of her teachers at a class she takes. Her teacher is out this week having surgery. Tansy casually tells me that they removed a tumor from her side, but she didn't wake up, they ended up finding a tumor in her brain as well and removed it. She said it's in the part that will affect her memory. This teacher also has a daughter that attends the same classes as Tansy. I asked Tansy if she knew how serious this is. She says she does. I encouraged her to pray for this teacher and especially for her daughter. I informed her that this teacher could be out permanently or possibly even die from this. (worst case senario) I washed dishes as she worked and I contemplated the plight of this teacher and mom. My heart is saddened for her.
Tansy then continues to tell me of an art project she is working on, it has the words "Tansy, peace, Mom" on it. I looked at her and said, "You really love your mommy don't you?" She smiled shyly, I continued, "No, you REALLY love your mommy. I can tell" Then we just went on to our duties. I keep thinking this is a different mommy she loves, but it's me! I am so very unworthy of her love and adoration. I can barely return it at times. Yet she continues to love me so unconditionally and fully. She is the oldest and therefore the experiment in parenting. Sometimes I feel it's one experiment I have botched. I have so much to repent of and continue to be stubborn and unchanging. This other mom is lying in a hospital bed sedated as she heals and if she were to die this week, her time of "repenting" would be over. I am so ready to leave
this earthly realm but Glory to God I am still here suffering with the minute to minute opportunity for repentance. I know I will never be eligible for the mother of the year award nor would I want it, but right now I have the chance to be mother of the moment. I think I'll get back to my work now and thank God that he continues to bring to my mind sins that need to repented of. Lord Jesus Christ Son of God Have Mercy on Me a Sinner! Have mercy on Mrs. Palmer as well.

Take a picture-it lasts longer

I remember either being stared at as a child or staring at someone and hearing the common refrain, "Take a picture, it lasts longer!" Back then that phrase was always met with embarrassment or victory. Now it speaks volumes to me.
I've mentioned a few times about not being able to remember the summer of 2004. I started thinking about my ppd journey and tried to recall events during this time. Andrew was born in March and my memory starts to fade with June 7th the day after his baptism, the day I finally completely broke down. I seem to have little snippits of pictures in my head of different moments. Of course I remember crying and sleeping and severe panicking, but I don't remember the good things. I have absolutely no recollection of Fathers Day or how it was spent. My in-laws came to help out again in July but I have no memory of them being here. I'm told they were here for my birthday, but I can't see that in my head. We took a vacation to Vancouver and then on to Seaside Wa. My husband laughs because he'll mention something we did and I look blankly at him. I cannot visualize the hotel room or the beach at all. On Thanksgiving my sister and brother in law came from New York. I remember her stopping by my house and commenting on how messy the livingroom was, and I remember walking into my moms house on TG and crying. I don't remember the dinner or spending any time with my sister. I assume we did. Christmas is a blank slate as well. I start having visual memories again about the end of January 2005. Some doctors attribute this to my body's defense system and "not wanting to remember" , others have connected the use of the many drugs I was on as being the culprit. I kind of think it was a bit of both. My husband brought out some pictures of the vacation and I started to be able to formulate the memory as I looked at the pictures. And some pictures only proved I was there physically, I still not being able to remember the time frame of the picture. I now wish that people would have taken tons of pictures during this time. I don't feel like I lost the first and a half years of Andrews birth, but I do feel like I lost a year and a half of life in general. I would have yelled at people for wanting to take pictures of me and I would have insisted strongly they STOP IT! But now I see how important this would have been for my recovery. Just being able to see the year and now I was alive and participated in it would help. I may look terrible in the pictures but at least I would be able to create the memory in my head. I will encourage anyone affected by someone suffering from PPD to take lots of pictures! It will feel wrong and invasive but the time of healing will come and then the memories will want to be felt. The few pics I have don't remind me of the terrible time it reminds me of the life and love that went on around me and that's what I want to remember. As I get farther away from the illness I become more comfortable looking back.
I am continuing therapy to change my reactive style and general outlook on life. This seems to be the final step in recovering. Because of experiencing this deep depression I'm working on ways to beat falling back with Winter looming ahead. My "homework" this week is to create a list of things I can do when I start to feel down (when the sun isn't out and it's cold) . It's hard coming up with ideas to bring the sunshine in when it's gloomy out. I'm open to any suggestions you all may have so please share.
This blog has been a life saver for me, it has allowed me to have a safe outlet to share my emotions and fears. The postings are coming slower now as life resumes. But I shall try and continue to post my journey. Because it isn't just about recovering from post partum depression anymore, it's about how life is changing from the journey.