20 months post partum

I don't even know how to start this post. I feel baaaaaaad. I've been struggling with anxiety the last couple of weeks which is now slipping into depression. I went to my couseling session last week and couldn't focus on the task at hand. I told her I needed to figure out this anxiety thing and what is triggering it. I thought I had it figured out. But apparently my body is telling me something else is up. I hate that I'm 20 months post partum and still suffering from bouts of depression. In retrospect though realized that I have had a life long pattern of depression, though before I wasn't aware of it. I just knew I was very unhappy. Now there is all sorts of anxiety mixed in. I wake up wondering if, when I get out of bed, I'm going to be able to put a smile on my face or are my insides going to be in a state of turmoil and chaos. I feel alone, let down, scared, defensive and sad with a whole lot of chest pains. I'm thinking I need to see my homeopath again to get the anxiety/depression under control, which means I need to put my therapy on hold for a month or so. I can't focus on healing the past till I deal with the current topical issues, which ironically are a result of my past. What an unending cycle! However, on a positive note, I'm fighting this without the help of any medication (aside from vitamins, h20, protein etc) So it makes sense that I have to fight harder than someone on anti-depressants. I feel like I do have an edge though, I have walked through this before. I know what to expect. I know what tools to use. I know it sucks but I know it won't kill me. So my prescription now is: Reading Elder Ambrose-of the Optina Series, Psalms 101, 26, 90 and 36 daily, 2 qts. h20, an anxiety mixture of vitamins, getting outside daily, the Jesus Prayer, talking about it, crying, knowing my limits and adhering to them and remembering that a day will come where I will feel good again. Glory to God for all things-may this be for my salvation.

"Do we have to die to have union with God?"

This was a good comment that I think the majority of people share. I also shared this view about a year ago. About 6 months after I was diagnosed with PPD I began begging God not to let me die till I at least raised the kids. Just get them raised then I can die I kept telling myself. I was obsessed with the idea of having a heart attack and dying. (anxiety and heartburn related chest pains didn't help) When talking with my priest about this fear he reminded me that God is in control, not me, and if I were to die-my kids would be taken care of. He wouldn't take me away just to ruin my kids lives. That gave me the freedom to give that concern up. What a burden it is to try and control your own mortality. So here is where I am now: Do I like life? Ya, it's ok. I love having my senses and being able to see the beauty of the changing landscapes, hearing the whirrrrrr of last minute lawn mowing and the birds arguing and smelling the onset of fall. I enjoy reading books again and relish a moment to put my face to the sun and soak up the warmth. I like my kids and don't mind the rainy days. So ya, I'm ok with life now. Do I want to live forever? Heck no! I'm not afraid of growing old, I'm afraid of NOT dying. I love God here on earth. I know He loves me-but I also have learned more about His love through reading the lives of the saints. This makes me want to be with Him more. I can only attain a certain union with God while here on earth. I'm certainly not on my way to sainthood myself-so suffice to say I'm about as close as I can get to God right now-given my fallen ways. But it's like being married to an inmate (stay with me now) you love this person you see behind the glass with all your heart, but you can't hold his hand, you can't kiss him, you end up going home alone anticipating your next visiting day. I want to be with Him. I want my only focus in life, my only purpose to be worshiping and loving Him. Here on earth there are numerous distractions-family, work, society, etc. So do we have to die to have union with God? Of course not, He is so gracious and loving that he'll love us through this life, but only once we are with Him in Heaven will we experience the perfect union with God. Depression has been a gift to me, it has caused me to realize how uncomfortable I am in this world and to be willing not to be tied to it as I once was.

Caution-speed bumb ahead

Ugh! Had a anxiety filled week. Just when I thought it was safe to "go back in the water" I hear the jaws theme starting up. A sty on my eye and my husband having a growth lanced were triggers for me to start a week of anxiety and endless tears. I ended up taking 3 quarters of a clonzapam on Friday and between that and church the edge was taken off. By Saturday morning I seemed fine. Two lessons here, the first being that, I may wake up tomorrow and feel crappy, I may wake up the next day and still feel crappy, and I may wake up the next week and feel crappy, BUT there will be a day when I wake up and I feel good again. Second lesson: I may loose the "rocks" in my life but God will always provide me with another rock to stand firm. The history behind that lesson is that I lost my grandmother when I was 13. She was a real rock in my life and a real joy. I never grieved or said good-by to her. I ended up going to music camp the day after the funeral. I swallowed my tears and grief as I do now. So when my hubby had a growth needing to be dealt with it triggered the thought that I could loose the "rock" in my life now. He is my rock and I wasn't sure if I trusted God with the idea of loosing him and still being ok. (No, Herman isn't dying-it was just a cyst, but my imagination runs wild) So this week I said good-by to my grandmother and released her and guess what? No more anxiety. Whew! It was just a bump and I got over it. Now I'll head over to the carpool lane and start traveling life with others instead of emotionally alone. Oh and I know that God will always be there with a big rock in hand for me to stand on should I loose the one I'm on right now.